The Red Hot Momma wrote a blog post yesterday that really got me thinking.
Lot’s of men and women have affairs. It happens all the time – but why?
Most people, I would imagine, think that affairs are all about sex. It seems to me however that for men, and probably women too, affairs are not about the sex. Yes, that may be the by-product but it is not reason. The reason is something deeper. Much deeper.
You see, men have emotional needs. I know we try to hide it but, when it comes down to it, we have deep emotional needs and if they are not being met by our spouses, we are liable to fall into the temptation of finding other ways of having them met.
Men need affirmation, they need a ‘fan’. We need someone to make us feel like we are the most important, wonderful, fabulous , special person in the world. Which is probably what most women truly need too.
When we first meet our prospective spouses, those needs are met in full. Both parties are in love and we enter a little bubble where we are each others entire world. In this bubble, our deep emotional needs are met. We put time, effort and thought into wooing each other. We try our best to affirm each other and make each other feel important and special.
Then we get married and after a while, real life kicks in. We have careers and mortgages and kids and ministry responsibilities and the daily grind takes over more and more. Soon we are doing little or nothing to meet each others needs, maybe not out of lack of desire but out of over-familiarity and the pressure of every day life.
It is at this time that the devil really gets to work and starts sowing the seeds of discontentment and unhappiness.
Most people probably don’t notice it starting and think of it as completely innocent at first. A little flirting here and there. A smile, a kind word, a gentle touch – but just not from their spouse. For many of us it stops there but thousands of men and women every day fall into the trap head first and all of a sudden find themselves in a position they have no idea how to deal with – and no strength left to resist.
My suggestion is this. Don’t wait for temptation to come, don’t wait another day longer. Act now. Start an affair today!
Just make sure that your affair is with your own spouse!
Affairs are about escapism. The hallmark of an affair is that either one or both of the people involved step away from their real lives and enter a bubble. They leave everything behind, escape and create a bubble where they can both give and receive what they really, deeply need.
So you should do the same. I know you’re busy and hassled and tired and sick and emotionally drained but just take five minutes a day to woo your spouse. A special smile, a kiss, a touch, a love note (even just a short one), some undivided attention, a pause to give some words of affirmation. Do something.
Then find a way to get time together. Trust me, if you fall into temptation, you’ll find a way to get rid of the kids for a couple of hours so you can meet up with the person you’re having an affair with. So you can do it for your spouse.
If you don’t, then someone else will.
Make time to just be together without the worry of kids or things you need to do. Without a pile of washing to iron and fold, without talking about the bills and how you can’t possibly pay them. MAKE THE TIME.
You need it and your spouse needs it more than you’ll ever know.
An affair can be fun and will reinvigorate you and your relationship – just do it within the bounds of your own marriage.
excellent post Peter P!
Thanks Amanda. That Red Hot Momma is very inspiring!
Love it. We can easily forget how God designed the man and wife relationship to be incredibly intimate and loving and joyful. The closest human relationship when modeled on the intimacy of the Holy Trinity. We get to experience just a hint of the community and love the Godhead experiences and has for eternity.
Preach it Andy!
Great post, Peter. I think we all need to be validated. At the end of the day, I can have the whole world eating out of the palm of my hand, but if I felt like my husband was disappointed in me, that would be a crushing blow. Having someone love you despite all your flaws is really a special thing.
Amen to that Katdish!
Very timely for the night my wife came home from her trip! 🙂 Great post, Peter.
Peter, I think there’s a website that’s started advertising recently with the tagline ‘Life is short, have an affair.’ It’s all about finding a liason. People are desperate for affirmation and will go anywhere to get it, sadly.
I heard about that site. I forgot all about it when I wrote this.
It is so important for us to affirm our spouses and our kids. People WILL go anywhere for the affirmation they need. If they don’t get it at home then…..
I couldn’t agree more. Great post! Goes right along with my marriage study.
Love in Christ.
Thanks Patrick
Just wanna say i’m now subscribing through RSS. Thanks for the inspiration!
Thanks Mikes. Welcome to my blog!
Love this post, Peter. Affirmation. I need to get busy with this….I’m not nearly as good at it as my husband is. Thanks for the reminder!
You’re welcome Candy! Thanks for coming by.
We have the opportunity to model wholeness in Jesus to a broken world. Our marriages are one of the mediums through which we can do that. I say yes to let’s keep our homefires burning.
In the same way, I cannot be dependant on another, even my husband, to fully meet my needs. What if he fails me? Do I then have permission to seek an affair? May it never be! In Jesus, I have everything I need and no temptation has overtaken me that God has not made a way of escape.
I praise God that He has made our marriage strong. As a couple, we look to Him as the third strand – the strand that will keep us strong. We keep our eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of our lives. Thirty-five plus years, six daughters, twelve grandchildren and still loving the married life! PTL! Deb
Awesome!
Thanks for the wise comments Deb!
Good points. I hope Bob thinks of me as his biggest fan. I truly do love him.
I don't know if I like this post.
I didn't get married so I'd have an escapist bubble. At least, I don't think I did. I got married to have a partner alongside me for dealing with life head-on.
Interesting response, Jeff. Thank you.
Are you saying you never have any alone time with your wife? You never have any time where you put everything else aside and just focus on each other?
Well, okay, we DO have two kids. 😉
And even though we developed one of those children through paperwork, we DID do most of the paperwork TOGETHER and ALONE.
I know, I know, kinky…
😉
LOL.
You're probably in that sadly small subsection of people who actually have a healthy relationship with their spouse.
Sadly, too many marriages involve little intimacy and partnership and it's those people that this relationship was written for… of course, even the most perfect amongst us can probably do with showering our wives with some extra love and attention every now and then:-)
I think a great many people are not told before they marry that it's hard work, that there will be days when your usually cute spouse is ugly, and ugly acting. Dig in. Work at it. Read. Counsel. Whatever it takes to love them through and that includes having the fellowship of folks who will support the work of it, and have the honesty required to shake you to your senses. I also think it's vitally important to pray for each other's marriages.
Amen to THAT!
Thank you for commenting.
Peter, I'm shaking my head with a smile. Cause getting rid of older kids in the daytime, while they're in the house, just gets harder, and harder …
LOL!