I believe a lie

sadI believe a lie.

Lots of them actually.

It seems odd to be able to say that rationally – but it’s true.

I wrote a few weeks ago about how I’m not OK and some of the responses to that post have encouraged me to share this with you all.

  • I believe the lie that I ‘can’t’.
  • I believe the lie that I’m a failure.
  • I believe the lie that I’m no good at anything

I believe lots of lies.

You may wonder why I believe the lies if I know they’re lies.

I know. I am too.

The problem is, these lies have become ingrained in me over decades. Years and years of accepting the lies have buried them so deep in my subconscious that they are some of my most strongly held beliefs, underpinning who I think I am.

Just trying to think that something I do is anything but a failure is alien to me and shakes me to my core.

I don’t remember ever doing anything that I have actually thought turned out well. I mess everything up. All the time.

Most days I cook dinner for eight people or more and it stresses me out every day because every day I feel like I spoil the meal in one way or another. Too much seasoning, too little seasoning, overcooked or undercooked – one way or another I ruin it.

No matter how much they say they enjoyed what I made, I can’t shake the feeling of failure.

I know my feelings are a lie and I struggle against them but when you believe you are doomed to fail at everything, how can you convince yourself that you’re not going to fail at believing you’re not a failure?

Couple these negative feelings with clinical depression and life can be pretty tough.

One day soon there will be a victory post on this blog. One day I’m going to be able to tell you how the grace and love of God have brought me through this – but not today.

Today I’m close to being overwhelmed. Today I’m still struggling, but that’s OK.

I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but I know it’s there and I’ll reach it eventually – and you will too!

If you are reading this and can identify with any of what I’m saying then hang in there with me. There is hope. There is something positive in the future.

Hold on. I’m holding on. Hold on with me.