I believe a lie.
Lots of them actually.
It seems odd to be able to say that rationally – but it’s true.
I wrote a few weeks ago about how I’m not OK and some of the responses to that post have encouraged me to share this with you all.
- I believe the lie that I ‘can’t’.
- I believe the lie that I’m a failure.
- I believe the lie that I’m no good at anything
I believe lots of lies.
You may wonder why I believe the lies if I know they’re lies.
I know. I am too.
The problem is, these lies have become ingrained in me over decades. Years and years of accepting the lies have buried them so deep in my subconscious that they are some of my most strongly held beliefs, underpinning who I think I am.
Just trying to think that something I do is anything but a failure is alien to me and shakes me to my core.
I don’t remember ever doing anything that I have actually thought turned out well. I mess everything up. All the time.
Most days I cook dinner for eight people or more and it stresses me out every day because every day I feel like I spoil the meal in one way or another. Too much seasoning, too little seasoning, overcooked or undercooked – one way or another I ruin it.
No matter how much they say they enjoyed what I made, I can’t shake the feeling of failure.
I know my feelings are a lie and I struggle against them but when you believe you are doomed to fail at everything, how can you convince yourself that you’re not going to fail at believing you’re not a failure?
Couple these negative feelings with clinical depression and life can be pretty tough.
One day soon there will be a victory post on this blog. One day I’m going to be able to tell you how the grace and love of God have brought me through this – but not today.
Today I’m close to being overwhelmed. Today I’m still struggling, but that’s OK.
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but I know it’s there and I’ll reach it eventually – and you will too!
If you are reading this and can identify with any of what I’m saying then hang in there with me. There is hope. There is something positive in the future.
Hold on. I’m holding on. Hold on with me.
Please.
You're in my prayers. Hang in there little bruv.
Love you loads, and all those lies are lies!
Jen xx
Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt. I'll be praying for you.
I hope you will accept the following comment as truth, because it is.
You took my vision and scrambled mess of thoughts and made them into what I believe is one of the very best author websites on the internet, and I'm not the only one who thinks that. You did that, Peter. You put up with my ridiculous demands and made a beautiful, professional site. You did that, Peter. And please don't try to diminish your role in the process, because that will make me mad. And you don't want to make me mad…
(and before anyone goes to my website, that's not the one I'm talking about. I'm talking about this one: http://billycoffey.com)
praying with you …
I do get what you mean, if though I only cook for three people (two lately). I often say "next time I won't put in so much pepper.." or "next time I will soak the sauerkraut longer so that it isn't so sour.." and Bob will say "Why? It is just fine.."
I for one know that I aim for perfection, and when I realize I can't be perfect, I give up, and let it all slide. I'm working on being more positive with myself and instead of saying to myself "The carpet still looks dirty. It's gone from looking like the vacuum cleaner is broken to looking like it needs to be vacuumed" say "Well that IS better…"
Peter, you have done great things with this blog. You have been a tremendous source of encouragement. God bless you.
Peter, I beg of you, read Seth's "Linchpin". It's called resistance my friend, because you're an artist and artists need shut down because it's war. I'll send it to you if you give me your address. We want to die because of the pain; we don't understand fully who/who's we are. That's the beginning of the lie.
Peter, you are loved and blessed. I’ll keep praying. I understand some of what you’re saying. I have felt this way about much in my life and the things I didn’t feel were failures, I feared would fail at some point. I still struggle with this, but I had a turning point several years ago by accepting that God loved me. I admitted to God that I didn’t see how He could because I was a mess, failure, screw-up, etc. What I heard in my spirit broke me, “I love you before you ever did any of that and sent Jesus.” I saw clearly (seemingly for the first time) that He knew every weakness and failure before I ever did any of them and because He loved me/us, He sent Jesus. I have to fight to hold onto that revelation, but I know it’s truth. Some days are definitely harder than others and I still mess up a whole lot.
All that to say, God knows and you will find victory. I hope you’ll accept some of it today. Blessings, Peter!
i understand
and
it is true
there is
light
Holding on with you. And praying for you to my friend.
The light, however slow in coming, will come.
Holding on and praying, Peter. Remember it was your idea for the blog carnival,s and they are amazing and growing… thank you!
I think there are more of us that understand than you probably realize. We're like one big crazy support group for each other and I for one have been to more than one 'session'. Hang in there Peter – totally praying.
For the last few months at church recently the pastor has insisted time and time and time and time again on bringing the message of God's amazing, all-encompassing, overwhelming GRACE. Why does he keep insisting on bringing the same message? Because we haven't got it yet! We still keep trying to perform to earn God's love. We don't need to. He really does love us. Me. You. Always. For ever. And never stops. Why do we find it so hard to accept that? Sometimes I feel that God is pouring his grace and love down but I have my umbrella up. I just need to let that love and grace pour in and revive me. May you, Peter, and all reading this, know the inner reality of His amazing grace and love today and always. This is truth.