Welcome to the One Word At A Time Blog Carnival. This week’s word is: Disappointments.
Although this is a ‘One Word’ carnival, we have a theme for the next few weeks and the theme is “Let Go Of…” So every week, we will have a word for the week, but the theme will be letting go of that word.
Below this, you’ll find a little widget called Simply Linked. All the participants in the carnival add their links to the widget and that way we can all find and read everyone’s entries. You’re welcome to join us, the carnival is open to anyone.
To see all of the upcoming words and their dates, visit peterpollock.com/category/faith/carnival
I AM a Disappointment
I am a disappointment to everyone I see.
I am a disappointment, but really that’s just me.
Whatever I do, whatever I try, whatever comes my way
I am a disappointment, every single day.
I am a disappointment, in everything I do
I am a disappointment, am I disappointing you?
This is my life, this is my lot, there is no hope in sight,
I am a disappointment – try as I might.
I am a disappointment, though I don’t want to be
I am a disappointment, I fail most utterly.
I want to just achieve success, to taste a victory
But I’m a disappointment – really, that’s just me.
This series is exceptionally hard for me, because the theme is ‘Let go of’ and I’m terrible at letting go of things.
I wonder sometimes if I should even participate because I fail so completely at letting go of all this stuff.
This word has been particularly difficult for me. As you can see from my vague attempt at poetry, letting go of disappointments is hard because I AM the disappointment so to let go would be to let go of myself.
Now, I’m sure many of you are going to think you should start listing all the things you I do which are NOT disappointments, but as the stream of therapists I’ve broken will attest, that’s an argument you’re not going to win because my self belief, my conscious understanding of myself is that at my very core I am a failure, a disappointment, a loser.
That concept is the foundation of who I am.
I know in my head that the answer to this is that I have to let go of that belief, but that scares me in a monumental way.
If I let go of my foundation, the very building blocks of who I understand myself to be, then who am I? If I’m not a failure and a disappointment, what or who am I?
I know me at the moment. I might not like me very much, but I know me.
Who is this person I might become if I’m no longer me? Will I like him? Will he be worse than me?
It’s that fear, the fear of the unknown that keeps me trapped here so forever I will be… a disappointment.