This blog has been a little light on posts lately and I’m very sorry about that. I’ve just been busy with Christmas and spending time with my family.
Normal service will be restored soon, but not quite yet. Here’s why:
- My wife’s Grandmother just died and we are down visiting with the VERY large family and getting ready for the funeral.
- I am NOT okay.
- In church this weekend I realized that I have lost my joy. I am tired and grouchy and stressed constantly. I no longer even have any joy or comfort in my salvation.
- My wife’s Grandma’s death has hit me hard. I wasn’t at all close to her or anything but it has made me very aware of my wife’s mortality. I can’t imagine losing her. I don’t know what I would do!
- All these thoughts of death have made me question again my own ‘achievements’. Really, what have I ever done that really matters? When I stand before God and give account for what I did, what will I say? I learned how to make a pretty mean chocolate cake… and eat it all in a couple of days? I’m feeling like I’m missing my calling, not achieving what i should be achieving.
The blog carnival tomorrow should have been hosted here but instead will be hosted by Bridget over at Bridgetchumbley.com. I’m sorry I haven’t read all of the posts from the last carnival yet. I can’t guarantee that I’ll read all of this week’s – or even participate but I sure appreciate everyone who gets involved. You all are wonderful!
Hopefully I’ll be back with something a little more positive soon!
God bless you all in this coming year,
Peter
Peter, thank you for sharing your struggles, because it reminds the rest of us that we will face them too…and have. I know the feeling of just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I especially know the feeling of being wholly inadequate. It seems God has called me to a task for which I'm not equipped…and He isn't in a rush to equip me. It's like shouting into a cavern where no one is listening. It stinks.
I'm sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.
You will be in my prayers today. God bless you.
Thanks, Gwen.
I truly appreciate your prayers and condolences.
I've been in that valley before. I even wrote about it here: http://www.treymorgan.net/2007/11/spiritually-tir…
I know how you feel. It's okay to feel the way you do.
Prayers and blessings.
Thanks, Trey.
I really appreciate your prayers and encouragement.
You're an awesome guy!
You don't struggle alone. We struggle with the same things. A lot. Over the course of my faith, I've doubted; I've questioned and argued with God; I've raged against Him; I've doubted my faith; I've lost my joy and found it again; I've reached out to God from the depths of pain like a baby grasping a father's finger for comfort. He knows and understands, more than we might think.
And we're here, Peter. Praying, talking, available. Because we're the church.
Thanks, Glynn.
You're a great encouragement to me.
I'm sorry for your and the family's loss.
I'm sorry for the feelings of not being 'ok' that you are dealing with.
Breathe deep …. take one moment at a time. Give yourself time to "Be Still"
Acknowledge the pain/disappointments/unsettledness while also focusing on the positive and good things in your life. Going down one track too long without being real about the other side is not healthy. Just focusing on the negative leads you start down to the pit of depression, while only focusing on the positive results in a fake smile. Learning to live in the tension of the two is where I've found hope.
I try to live in the tension but then there's times like this that I slip over the line the wrong way!
Thank you for your encouragement, Janet. 🙂
My sympathies to you and your family on the passing of your wife's Grandmother.
It's OK to not be OK. We're all "not OK" at many times in our lives. May you find encouragement in God's word and in the family and friends who surround you, including the many who visit you here and will be lifting you in prayer.
Praying for you, Peter. You are not alone.
Thanks Candy. You're awesome!
Hey Peter, I appreciate you being open about not being OK. It seems like most Christian leaders talk about their struggles after they've been overcome, but few are willing to talk about them when they're in the midst of them.
I prayed for you this morning. I know we don't know each other well, but if there's anything I can do for you, let me know.
Thanks, Paul.
I appreciate your offer.
Thank you for being the Church to me!
Peter, I am sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you, your wife and her extended family during this time.
And a lot of us are not okay but thankfully God doesn't take leave and come back when we're okay – he sticks with us no matter what. Hang in there Peter.
Thanks, Annie.
I know he sicks with us… I just feel so unworthy!
I can relate. I've actually stood at the edge of death and felt very disappointed in myself. This year, following the sudden loss of my husband, I've hashed out many of those same questions time and time again. I still haven't found any suitable answers or solutions. But I do understand that sick gut feeling when you realize you only have one shot at this life and you feel you have little to show for it.
Hang in there!
Thank you for sharing your struggle, NB.
I appreciate it and I pray that we BOTH find answers!
Offering prayers for your and your family's loss, Peter.
". . . Close your eyes. / Gather all the kindling / About your heart / To create one spark. / That is all you need / To nourish the flame / That will cleanse the dark / Of its weight of festered fear. . . ." ~ John O'Donohue
May peace be with you.
Thanks, Maureen. I appreciate your poetic support! 🙂
Peter, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I'm still praying for you all.____And I'm so sorry you're not okay right now. Our pastor preached out of Revelation 3 yesterday about being "lukewarm: and then gave us some examples of how we might be just that. And I so am right now. Maybe it's just the time of year for us both. But like Annie said, God will always take us back.____I'll be praying for you as your seek to find the joy of your salvation again. Thank you so much for pouring so much of yourself into serving others and sharing His story with the world that needs it so desperately.
Thank you for understanding, Marni.
It's a tough place to be but I believe God will bring us BOTH through this! 🙂
Hey Peter, thanks for sharing. Joy is a hard thing to maintain. And I think everyone worries about what they've accomplished of importance. I hope you find reassurance and happiness again soon. Sometimes, just taking a break can do wonders!
Thanks, Matt.
I appreciate your advice and encouragement.
Hello Peter, prayers and light for you and your family.
Take a breath. Breathe. This too shall pass. In its passing we discover the beautiful glory of God's light shining, behind every dark cloud. Within every deep moment of despair. The Light is always there. We just need to breathe and breathe and breathe our way through it.
When I think of all I could have done, could be doing, am not doing, I become disconsolate within my life.
When I focus on all I am doing (no matter how small), all I create (no matter how tiny), the love in the world around me (which is inifinite), the lives I've touched, the hearts I've opened to love, the beauty around me, I become content with where I'm at.
Grief is a gift of time. You are grieving Peter. Let yourself Be.
Blessings and light and love.
Thank you.
I really appreciate your advice!
Praying for you Peter!
Hang in there.
Thank you, Paula.
I appreciate your prayers!
Peter, you are obviously not alone friend. We are here, and we hear you! Praying for you, with you and your family. Lots of thoughts run thru my mind, but they are empty when I feel as you do. Just know that you are loved, and we will be here while you walk thru your valley.
Thank you Jamie.
I truly appreciate you!
Peter,
Sorry to hear about the death of your wife's grandma – death is very sobering – I am not surprised that you are feeling down.
We know our relationship with Jesus Christ is not about feelings, but this world surely does promote feelings and achievements. You have been called to be Peter – that is what you do best – there is no one else in this world that can be you. Whether you accomplish great feats in this life is really all up to God.
Rest in the Lord and let those whom you so readily minister to – minister to you instead. I am lifting you in prayer with praise and thanksgiving.
Love your heart Peter.
Blessings
Deb
Thanks, Deb.
I appreciate your wisdom!
Right there with you. But even better, so is God.
Thank you, Megan.
Sometimes it's easier to know that God is with us than to KNOW it in your heart!
Thanks for the reminder!
I very much appreciate your honesty. My pastor hubby has been there before with losing his job at a church and it's very difficult. We were both hit hard also with death when my father passed away almost 8 years ago when I was 9 months pregnant with the first grandchild. The truth is that no matter how hard our church family wants pastors and their families to be almost super human…we're not and we don't have it all together. I read a book by Beth Moore called "Get Out of That Pit" that helped me immensely. It helped me to not view God through the lenses of my circumstances because He didn't change when my circumstances did. I was mad at Him as if it was His fault and as a result put myself in the pit which made matters worse. God was still my provision and was still faithful…He kept His promises and thankfully I got out of the pit….but I still don't have it all together! 😉
I'm praying for you – I believe in specific prayers and since I can empathize then I can pray VERY specifically for you and your family. Hang in there brother!
Thanks, Cheesehead.
I appreciate your experience and empathy.
Thankn you for praying!
Praying for you brother. I won't pretend to know how you feel, but I have had some pretty down seasons even in my salvation; times that seem to poke at me and remind me that this life is "long suffering" and that "not one is good". At times it seems like it is all I can do to persevere through this desert one second at a time, but by God's grace I have been sustained. When I am in that place there are two passages I tend to ponder:
"Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God." Ecclesiastes 5:18-19 NIV
"He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son."
Revelation 21:7 NKJV
Praying your time in the desert is short and that your joy is restored. Keep looking up, it may be that through that valley and over that next rocky ridge is a garden filled with all the good things that we were meant to enjoy. I know it is there, I just don't know how many valleys and rocky ridges we must cross to get there.
You are in my prayers brother!
Thanks, Scott.
I like the v erses you shared. They are very helpful!
Some of us have wondered at your absence lately, worrying that you might be ill or over stressed. I have been praying for you not knowing what you are going through. I am now praying for you with some understanding of your struggles. I have been through much the same things and know it is a huge challenge. More than anything I pray that you find joy in Christ, which is different than happiness as I'm sure you know.
You have been an inspiration to me and I look forward to what you write, but I fully support you in finding peace in this time of turmoil.
Thanks, Nick.
I appreciate you!
I know valley's come and go… I just hope this valley passes quickly!
Peter, I am praying for you and your family. I love your honesty here. I love that you have pulled back, taken a break…Please let me know if I can do anything for you or your family or if there are some specifics you would like prayer on…you can email me personally.
Thanks, Chrystie.
I really appreciate that.
yep.
struggle.
we struggle against change.
especially heart change
because we are losing a part of ourself as we are
and being changed into what God wants for our heart to be.
a dead heart made alive in Him.
your frineds
your wife
people
come into your life
even your own life
comes
and then goes
and God is working with your heart
keep it open, brother
keep it open for God to work in you
joy it will return
and it will return in a different way to you
a new way for your renewing heart
you will be shown a whole new meaning of the word
we struggle against change
comfort change
joy change
people change
life change
we struggle
we resist
death
and i will continue to pray for you
as God is with you and helping you through
all of the changes that we can and should put into His hands
but resist doing so.
because it is painful and hurtful and lonely and scary.
nAncY,
The Church is so AWESOME!
I write a post and never know what replies I will get… and every now and then I get some wonderful poetry!
Thank you!
Oh, Peter. I am so sorry. As you can see from all of the comments you've received already, you are not alone in your sadness and struggles.
You need to realize that God judges our success and failures differently than we do. You may feel like you have not lived up to what you were created to do, or are not following your calling, but it seems that you are being overly judgmental of yourself, you are looking at your accomplishments through human eyes. You (along with the rest of us) are on a path that is long and windy and Christ is right there with you feeling all of your joy and pain at the same time as you are. Allow him to comfort you.
If we were happy and content in our lives all the time, we wouldn't be growing. We have to use the challenges to help guide us, if nothing else, help us grow closer to God. Just focus on him and his desires for you, breath… and persevere. The feelings will come later. Try not to focus on how you feel right now. Remember that feelings are fleeting, they are a mask, and sometimes a lie. We cannot allow them to take our focus off the goal.
Please know that just because we may not talk about it over twitter or on our blogs, that each of us have serious things we struggle with (I know at least I do!). We don't live perfect lives, and are not perfect ourselves.
I appreciate you, Peter. Both for what you write on your blog, and for mine. But also for your friendship online. I know everyone would agree.
Thanks, Ginny.
I appreciate your wisdom and reminders! 🙂
Many people have said many good things. I hope you take encouragement in their words and remember to press into Him, even when you're not "feelin'" it.
He is faithful.
Thank you, Angela!
Thank you, Angela!
Hang in there, Peter. You are not alone… as you can see by all of the love and support shown here!
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you."
–Isaiah 43:2
Will be praying for you and your family!
Take care…
Thanks, Bridget.
You're an awesome friend!
Hi Peter, It is a great thing you can pull back and just let the air breathe in this time of loss. Don't worry about us. We'll be right here.
Joy can be hard to hold. I pray that in the days to come, God will take your hand and show you all that you are to Him and the joy you bring to Him and others.
Thanks for the opportunity to be with you, as you are not ok — which we all long to have comfort when we are there too.
Thanks, Bonnie.
I think I need some of those shots of faith you serve upon your blog!
Peter, I so admire you for your transparency.
I would like to remind you of 2 things:
1 – Your feelings show your devotion to Christ. Only people who have truly made serving Jesus their priority can get depressed and frustrated about it.
2 – It is important to always distinguish between conviction ( a stirring of purpose from God) and condemnation (a spiritual attack meant to stop your good work). How to tell? Conviction makes you want to ACT. Condemnation makes you want to DO NOTHING.
I am praying for you to "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) and that "the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.." (1 Peter 5:10)
Kelly
Thank you for your wisdom, Kelly!
Praying for you bro'., I'm sorry for your loss.
Peace,
Jay
Peter,
Praying for you friend.
So been there. Please know it is okay not to be okay. For me that is the usually the hardest part, the "why am I suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) in this dark place. I know I have so much to be thankful for but I can't seem to embrace a true spirit of thanksgiving and joy. I just feel pain, misery and alone."
But you aren't alone in this.
And you are achieving wonderful things. You have done a phenomenal job of creating community online, connecting people, sharing knowledge, and writing informative and poignant posts. Not to mention the work you do offline.
And if you want to do more…I know you can! You are a gifted communicator and relater. God will continue to use those strengths.
Stay strong.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's odd how sometimes grief stirs up so much more….
Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Lindsey
Thanks, Lindsey.
I really appreciate your encouragement and kind comments!
I'll keep pushing forward, somehow 🙂
I appreciate your honesty and candor here. It has encouraged me to hear you speak with such vulnerability. I will be praying for you as you navigate your way through this season.
Thanks, Makeda.
I really appreciate it!
Peter,
I don't have to say much. We're with you. Take your time.
Thanks, JoJo.
I appreciate you!
Thanks, Jay.
I am sorry for your loss, Peter. Not simply the loss of a grandmother, but of the temporary loss of security, the temporary loss of joy, the temporary loss of feeling you are doing something worthwhile.
When the Lord speaks, His voice carries conviction of what to do, with the encouragement and strength to do it.
When the enemy speaks, his voice carries condemnation, with the discouragement for all accomplished not by us, but by Christ in us.
Allow Him to carry you, my brother. "Fear not," or some form of that statement, was the most frequent imperative Jesus spoke. He purchased you with His blood. You are greatly beloved, and of great worth in His sight.
I am comforted to know that you are parted from Debbie's grandmother for just a short time. Parted, but not separated. The same Spirit who gives her life for eternity is living in you for eternity, and death cannot separate that Spirit from either of you, or from Debbie.
Peter, I am sorry for your family's loss.
You have accomplished a lot in that you have encouraged a lot of us little people to be missionaries in our little lives. When you stand before Him, He will not ASK you what you have done, He will SHOW you the things your faith has accomplished.
People are praying for you. Coast on that for a bit.
Such pure words of love
on these pages was poured
to comfort and uphold
one with courage so bold
as to open his heart
and shout in the wind
to ask for what’s “real”
and not settle for less.
Know the love once displayed
on the cross
waits to enfold you
in ways more profound
than ever yet known.
Let yourself fall Peter
for only then can He catch you.
with much prayer,
Hey Peter. Just read this this morning. I'm sorry to hear about your wife's grandmother. Thanks for being honest with how you are doing though. It's easy to be fake over the internet and pretend like you are perfect and never have doubts, faults, or problems. I'll be praying for you and your family and I hope you'll be back to writing soon as you contribute greatly to the community of bloggers!
Peter, I’ve been out of the blogging loop this last month as well, and didn’t realize that you were going through a hard time. I’m glad you were able to open up about your trials so that you could feel the love and care of the bloggers around you. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers in the coming days. I hope you are able to find peace and a better place. We’ll look forward to having you back whenever you feel ready.
Take care!
Hello Peter,
I don't know you at all… and this is my first visit to your site, I came to it from another site..Maureen's "Writing Without Paper", who put your link on one of her blog comments. I have something that we'll have in our Sunday bulletin at Church this Sunday, Jan. 3rd, having to do with one of the scripture lessons we hear. It may (or may not) give some encouragement to you … for some reason I felt called to share it with you. May God bless you and give you encouragement in these trying times. Blessings in Christ…
Roberta
P.S. I tried to post this in one comment, but the little message fairy told me it was too long and I had to split it in two messages… so the Reflections I spoke of will be in the next message…
Here is the rest of my comment… the Reflection part.. God bless you…
Reflections
In today's second reading, the apostle Paul could relate greatly to these Christians. He had been a Christian for many years by the time he wrote this letter and had gone through all the varying experiences that a Christian can be subjected to. He knew the lukewarmness which can set in, the apathetic attitudes which can sometimes arise after a hopeful beginning, but he also knew the great faith, and love for all the saints that these Christians had. He knew times could come where they would become dispirited, listless, turned off, & he understood their needs.
Perhaps many of you are struggling with this very problem. There are times when we simply get cold & our spirits grow apathetic. Paul understood that. He knew that we could lose sight of certain truths. We could still hold it with our minds — but lose sight of it in our hearts.
Continued… He wants us to have that living, flaming, warm, compelling, motivating faith & love. So Paul turned to prayer & included the following specifically; "…that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power in us who believe.."
Heavenly Father, we ask that this prayer of the Apostle Paul will become true of us — that the eyes of our hearts will be enlightened, that these words will not be empty words, not mere phrases that we repeat, but that they will come alive in our experience & we too will discover how encouraging it is that our failures can work for us "a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory," that even in times when we are distressed & don't handle situations rightly, that we will turn back to You, & that situations will work out. Lord, we ask that we will understand these phases we may go through, that we will live by faith & act on it, so that the world around will begin to see Jesus in us. We ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.
Just saw your tweets and this post about NOT being ok. I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family. And that you feel God's presence in the midst of it all. He never leaves His sheep!